an addition to previous list of gifts to get someone you dislike for their birthday:
4. a gift certificate to their favorite store for 25 cents, but don't write on the card how much you put on it. or even i was thinking to give someone a 25 cent giftcard to a place that does colonoscopies.
23 March 2008
23 February 2008
if i don't write in here, i guess i won't write in anywhere.
andy milonakis lives across the street. well, almost. there is this boy who i would like to describe to you but he's very complicated. he bounces a basketball in his driveway most days, while repeating the same indecipherable phrase over and over and over with the same exact intonations. he has the voice of a 6 year old, and kind of looks like a blonde andy milonakis. for all i know he's 48 too. he is captivating. i want to invite him over for a cupcake and talk to him and see if he's mentally retarded or just doesn't have any friends. it seems those two things are easily confused. i know that when i have no friends, i go crazy. and thus maybe seem mentally retarded as i do ribbon dancer in my backyard wearing an antique nightgown.
a while back i started a list of gifts to give someone you don't like. i think about this list almost every day, and i keep thinking of really good additions but then i forget because i don't write it down. i'm going to fix this problem. here are a few, starting with the original:
1." the passion of the christ" on DVD
2. a box of cookies that you already opened and ate half the cookies
3. a custom-made puzzle that features a photograph of yourself giving two middle fingers. and then when your friend completes the puzzle, they'll get the surprise. OR if you can somehow get a picture of your friend's mother naked, and then put her on the puzzle. that could be harder.
andy milonakis lives across the street. well, almost. there is this boy who i would like to describe to you but he's very complicated. he bounces a basketball in his driveway most days, while repeating the same indecipherable phrase over and over and over with the same exact intonations. he has the voice of a 6 year old, and kind of looks like a blonde andy milonakis. for all i know he's 48 too. he is captivating. i want to invite him over for a cupcake and talk to him and see if he's mentally retarded or just doesn't have any friends. it seems those two things are easily confused. i know that when i have no friends, i go crazy. and thus maybe seem mentally retarded as i do ribbon dancer in my backyard wearing an antique nightgown.
a while back i started a list of gifts to give someone you don't like. i think about this list almost every day, and i keep thinking of really good additions but then i forget because i don't write it down. i'm going to fix this problem. here are a few, starting with the original:
1." the passion of the christ" on DVD
2. a box of cookies that you already opened and ate half the cookies
3. a custom-made puzzle that features a photograph of yourself giving two middle fingers. and then when your friend completes the puzzle, they'll get the surprise. OR if you can somehow get a picture of your friend's mother naked, and then put her on the puzzle. that could be harder.
15 September 2007
i keep seeing those road signs that say something like "deaf child area" or a similar kind with another disability.
i think one good thing about being blind or deaf is getting your own road sign. if i were deaf and i had my own road sign i'd point to it a lot and then i'd point to myself. if i were blind i guess i would just say, "hey i can sense that we're near my road sign. that's mine, you know."
and then if you moved maybe you could take it with you.
i think one good thing about being blind or deaf is getting your own road sign. if i were deaf and i had my own road sign i'd point to it a lot and then i'd point to myself. if i were blind i guess i would just say, "hey i can sense that we're near my road sign. that's mine, you know."
and then if you moved maybe you could take it with you.
10 September 2007
today i've been thinking a lot about how i write about my interactions with and observations of strangers. then i had the thought, i wonder how many strangers have written about me in their journals or talked about me to their husbands or made up nicknames for me in their heads.
it's something i never before considered. i don't really imagine that these types of things are similar to the thoughts i have about strangers. but i bet that a lady has come home and talked about some bitch who cut her off on the highway. and that bitch maybe was me.
or maybe even i've inspired a stranger in a different way. like if i had a really good outfit on, and then someone might think to themself, huh, i should put together royal blue and brown.
i think a lot of the time i am so wrapped up in watching people and thinking about strangers that i forgot that they might think about me too.
it's something i never before considered. i don't really imagine that these types of things are similar to the thoughts i have about strangers. but i bet that a lady has come home and talked about some bitch who cut her off on the highway. and that bitch maybe was me.
or maybe even i've inspired a stranger in a different way. like if i had a really good outfit on, and then someone might think to themself, huh, i should put together royal blue and brown.
i think a lot of the time i am so wrapped up in watching people and thinking about strangers that i forgot that they might think about me too.
07 September 2007
02 September 2007
lately i can't stop thinking about where things have been, the lives of lifeless things.
like at the grocery store. sure, the cereal has been in other states in factories, and maybe on planes and tractor-trailer trucks. but you could buy a box of cereal that was in someone's cart who died at the grocery store. you are eating someone's reshelved cereal that used to be theirs but they died before they could get it home.
before i only thought about stuff like this when buying clothes. or if i see clothes on a rack that have deodorant marks on them. i've thought about who tried it on and why they didn't want it. it's just kind of weird, we don't really think about how many sets of hands have touched things before we get them. it's like they only start existing when they exist in our own lives.
maybe this fits right in with this recent theme of connectedness. i want to know about the everyday life of whoever put the inspection sticker on this shirt i'm wearing. i want to know if they re-shelf whatever is in the cart of someone that dies at a grocery store.
like at the grocery store. sure, the cereal has been in other states in factories, and maybe on planes and tractor-trailer trucks. but you could buy a box of cereal that was in someone's cart who died at the grocery store. you are eating someone's reshelved cereal that used to be theirs but they died before they could get it home.
before i only thought about stuff like this when buying clothes. or if i see clothes on a rack that have deodorant marks on them. i've thought about who tried it on and why they didn't want it. it's just kind of weird, we don't really think about how many sets of hands have touched things before we get them. it's like they only start existing when they exist in our own lives.
maybe this fits right in with this recent theme of connectedness. i want to know about the everyday life of whoever put the inspection sticker on this shirt i'm wearing. i want to know if they re-shelf whatever is in the cart of someone that dies at a grocery store.
29 August 2007
today i saw the first ever asian amish [amasian]. he had kids with a white amish lady and they have a bunch of amasian babies. i wonder how he happened, and i wonder if all the other amish talk gossip about him.
the newest experiment i'm testing is to only buy groceries that are on sale. that, and if something is a really good deal, then buy like 7 of them. don't you think things taste even better when you know they are on sale.
today at the amish natural food store, the only things that were really good deals were organic big bird ABCs cookies and rice dream. i opted for the rice dream. this plan makes so much sense. there are foods that i eat and foods that i don't eat. i think this will also make me expand my horizons and try new things. i'm excited about it. grocery shopping will then be less of a choice, i buy the things i normally buy, but only when they are on sale. for example, i don't really need grapes if the plums are half off. i usually go by these rules, but i want to be more strict about it. when i have kids it'll be like LOOK KIDS MAMA MADE ICE CREAM FOR DINNER!!!!
here is what happened to me the day before yesterday. i kind of forgot this happened, maybe it was kind of a big deal:
i was driving from richmond to lancaster. and see, my gas gauge in my car doesn't really work. sometimes it tells me when i have gas, and sometimes its says i have no gas even when i do. so the gauge was either at half tank or E, so i assumed it was fine. then my car stopped working a half hour from home.
i thought, yeah whatever i'll figure it out. i've never been in a situation like this by myself, but i wasn't too worried about it. within two minutes, a big red van pulled up in front of me, and this guy came out to help me. he looked almost exactly like a pedophile. lanky, glasses, nerdy in a creepy kind of way. he was wearing the kind of uniform that a guy that fixes air conditioners would wear, like gray pinstripe pants and a light blue collared short sleeve shirt made out of really thin material. i don't know what his job was though. naturally, i left my cell phone in my jeep, and got into his van with him.
immediately he started asking me personal questions, so i asked him some personal questions too. then we got to the gas station and they didn't have a loaner gas can. so he immediately suggested we walk together over to rite aid to see if they had one i could buy. he decided 14 dollars was too expensive, so we got back into the van to find another gas station. during our 10 minute ride together, our conversation went a little bit like this:
jess: so do you do good deeds like this all the time?
red van: sometimes, if i'm having a bad day or something, i'll do something like this and help someone out. it makes me feel better to give a hand.
jess: [i approved of his answer] that's great, i'll have to pass on the good deed, pay it forward
red van: and i just can't resist a pretty face
jess: [shit, get out of the van. meanwhile we are driving down a secluded street, so i start making plans on how to fight him in case he gets fresh. this situation is exactly how kidnappings happen. girl goes missing in small town, car abandoned on side of highway]
then we got to the other gas station. at each one of these places, he went up to the cashier and said "hey my friend ran out of gas, do you have a loaner gas can?" we're friends.
so then we drove another 10 miles or something. and this whole time, i was surprisingly relaxed. for a second here and there i'd freak out, but i just reminded myself to have faith in the good of people.
everything turned out fine. he took me back to my car, filled up my tank with a gallon, i shook his hand, and was off.
so now i've been trying to decide how i want to pass on the favor. none of my ideas thus far have been very good. i figure something will just fall into my hands and i'll know that it's my chance to pay it forward.
meanwhile, i've been dancing and singing a lot when driving in my car, hoping to make eye contact with another driver. seeing someone doing something completely shameless like that often makes me feel hopeful for life. or if not that, maybe they will at least feel good for a moment.
another idea i had today was to wave and give a thumbs up to anyone who has the same car as me. lately i've been feeling a special bond with everybody in one way or another.
the newest experiment i'm testing is to only buy groceries that are on sale. that, and if something is a really good deal, then buy like 7 of them. don't you think things taste even better when you know they are on sale.
today at the amish natural food store, the only things that were really good deals were organic big bird ABCs cookies and rice dream. i opted for the rice dream. this plan makes so much sense. there are foods that i eat and foods that i don't eat. i think this will also make me expand my horizons and try new things. i'm excited about it. grocery shopping will then be less of a choice, i buy the things i normally buy, but only when they are on sale. for example, i don't really need grapes if the plums are half off. i usually go by these rules, but i want to be more strict about it. when i have kids it'll be like LOOK KIDS MAMA MADE ICE CREAM FOR DINNER!!!!
here is what happened to me the day before yesterday. i kind of forgot this happened, maybe it was kind of a big deal:
i was driving from richmond to lancaster. and see, my gas gauge in my car doesn't really work. sometimes it tells me when i have gas, and sometimes its says i have no gas even when i do. so the gauge was either at half tank or E, so i assumed it was fine. then my car stopped working a half hour from home.
i thought, yeah whatever i'll figure it out. i've never been in a situation like this by myself, but i wasn't too worried about it. within two minutes, a big red van pulled up in front of me, and this guy came out to help me. he looked almost exactly like a pedophile. lanky, glasses, nerdy in a creepy kind of way. he was wearing the kind of uniform that a guy that fixes air conditioners would wear, like gray pinstripe pants and a light blue collared short sleeve shirt made out of really thin material. i don't know what his job was though. naturally, i left my cell phone in my jeep, and got into his van with him.
immediately he started asking me personal questions, so i asked him some personal questions too. then we got to the gas station and they didn't have a loaner gas can. so he immediately suggested we walk together over to rite aid to see if they had one i could buy. he decided 14 dollars was too expensive, so we got back into the van to find another gas station. during our 10 minute ride together, our conversation went a little bit like this:
jess: so do you do good deeds like this all the time?
red van: sometimes, if i'm having a bad day or something, i'll do something like this and help someone out. it makes me feel better to give a hand.
jess: [i approved of his answer] that's great, i'll have to pass on the good deed, pay it forward
red van: and i just can't resist a pretty face
jess: [shit, get out of the van. meanwhile we are driving down a secluded street, so i start making plans on how to fight him in case he gets fresh. this situation is exactly how kidnappings happen. girl goes missing in small town, car abandoned on side of highway]
then we got to the other gas station. at each one of these places, he went up to the cashier and said "hey my friend ran out of gas, do you have a loaner gas can?" we're friends.
so then we drove another 10 miles or something. and this whole time, i was surprisingly relaxed. for a second here and there i'd freak out, but i just reminded myself to have faith in the good of people.
everything turned out fine. he took me back to my car, filled up my tank with a gallon, i shook his hand, and was off.
so now i've been trying to decide how i want to pass on the favor. none of my ideas thus far have been very good. i figure something will just fall into my hands and i'll know that it's my chance to pay it forward.
meanwhile, i've been dancing and singing a lot when driving in my car, hoping to make eye contact with another driver. seeing someone doing something completely shameless like that often makes me feel hopeful for life. or if not that, maybe they will at least feel good for a moment.
another idea i had today was to wave and give a thumbs up to anyone who has the same car as me. lately i've been feeling a special bond with everybody in one way or another.
16 August 2007
this is posted on the wall in a coffee shop in richmond. a little boy wrote it, and it is my favorite thing.
FROM Troy
TO anyone who is sad:
HIORWUISDHO;FON;EJFIOHOIEFHOAJASKLC'JI'EIF;AOCOS
O;AWHBUIDHAIOJFIP'AJIP'FAEOJBUGHIAEP'JFIPAEJI'FAP'IAI
OHWAFOIHEOS;NGO'GJIPOF'NDOJPJ'FEHIOFIPWADOEPIJ'F
O'IWAHODJPANLJFNOJRHOUGPOGNKLDX'JGIOE'PFA'AFIP
KJFHOJGK;'ANLF'EAOIHOEGJO;BNRIUUOSFJIEOFJS;AHOIF
HIORFEHAIDNLKSAFJIBE;NLFPOHIABJOFK'FAIPJFBJAEO'PF
FROM Troy
TO anyone who is sad:
HIORWUISDHO;FON;EJFIOHOIEFHOAJASKLC'JI'EIF;AOCOS
O;AWHBUIDHAIOJFIP'AJIP'FAEOJBUGHIAEP'JFIPAEJI'FAP'IAI
OHWAFOIHEOS;NGO'GJIPOF'NDOJPJ'FEHIOFIPWADOEPIJ'F
O'IWAHODJPANLJFNOJRHOUGPOGNKLDX'JGIOE'PFA'AFIP
KJFHOJGK;'ANLF'EAOIHOEGJO;BNRIUUOSFJIEOFJS;AHOIF
HIORFEHAIDNLKSAFJIBE;NLFPOHIABJOFK'FAIPJFBJAEO'PF
11 August 2007
today i saw a fat dalmatian. i didn't know that was possible.
lately i've been thinking that it's time i get a puppy. margaret is getting older, although definitely not losing her spunk. she still has plenty of energy to scoot around the kitchen floor and try to itch her butt. she's been doing it all day today. i need to get a puppy before she dies so that the puppy can learn from her, learn how to rub her sphincter all over the floor, vomit underneath the bed so no one ever finds it, you know, the basics of how to be the best dog ever. i'm thinking about getting a dog in arizona. i bet they have special desert breeds.
or maybe i should get a poodle and see how fat i can make it.
also i figured out that your dog will eat anything if you put some worcestershire sauce on it. i've been trying to give maggie all of my leftovers so she eats healthier and so i don't waste. last night i gave her some tempeh which she didn't have a problem eating. but today she didn't want my leftover oatmeal so i put a little magic from the refrigerator on it and she wolfed it right on down.
i just got back from cashing in my giant jar of change. i've been compiling change for a while now, and i decided that today would be a good day for some chingching. i took it to one of those machines at the grocery store that counts it for you and then steals a bunch of it, which i convinced myself to be okay with. i ended up getting 150 dollars. and if you decide to redeem your money on a giftcard, like starbucks, they don't take any of your money. which is genius from a business point of view. i got 25 dollars on a starbucks card and now i'm sitting in starbucks drinking an iced soy latte, like for FREE. the straw in this drink is three times taller than the cup.
lately i've been thinking that it's time i get a puppy. margaret is getting older, although definitely not losing her spunk. she still has plenty of energy to scoot around the kitchen floor and try to itch her butt. she's been doing it all day today. i need to get a puppy before she dies so that the puppy can learn from her, learn how to rub her sphincter all over the floor, vomit underneath the bed so no one ever finds it, you know, the basics of how to be the best dog ever. i'm thinking about getting a dog in arizona. i bet they have special desert breeds.
or maybe i should get a poodle and see how fat i can make it.
also i figured out that your dog will eat anything if you put some worcestershire sauce on it. i've been trying to give maggie all of my leftovers so she eats healthier and so i don't waste. last night i gave her some tempeh which she didn't have a problem eating. but today she didn't want my leftover oatmeal so i put a little magic from the refrigerator on it and she wolfed it right on down.
i just got back from cashing in my giant jar of change. i've been compiling change for a while now, and i decided that today would be a good day for some chingching. i took it to one of those machines at the grocery store that counts it for you and then steals a bunch of it, which i convinced myself to be okay with. i ended up getting 150 dollars. and if you decide to redeem your money on a giftcard, like starbucks, they don't take any of your money. which is genius from a business point of view. i got 25 dollars on a starbucks card and now i'm sitting in starbucks drinking an iced soy latte, like for FREE. the straw in this drink is three times taller than the cup.
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